Moonlit Aurora

Today, more so the past week more often than not have been hard, heavy, painful. I feel lost I’ve felt that for awhile but more so right now. Unsure of anything. Trying to understand everything I’ve gone through and how I got here. Why it had to be me. Why for any of it, and why I can’t just not be here living this way, why I can’t go back to normal. Or whatever that means anymore. Just forget this whole year and bullshit was done and happened and go back to before it did. I wish I didn’t miss people as badly as I do or being where I currently find to sleep, or really it’s not sleeping it could go back to the place I felt safest to sleep in my entire life. The only times I’ve slept enough, a full night , felt safe, could breathe a second this last year. The only moments of normal I actually get to feel or have and they mean more to me than anything possibly could the past year and they happened more often every few weeks I could look forward to that or conversations at least, or for the first month out here even a good morning or a good night message knowing that tiny piece of normal made me feel like I could do this that despite it all I had at least 1 in my corner still and I’d be okay if I needed something I had 1 person. And lately it’s rare I get any of that any normalcy any time any conversations, any thoughts with me in them. It’s hard when you had at least 1 left and feel sometimes you have 0. It’s almost feeling guilty when I do feel hurt, and my heart feels like it’s breaking apart some days even caring about it or feeling this way especially days my thoughts are also focused on another topic. Which they usually are because sometimes the more intimate details are what gets me to keep fighting though this and not give up: if I only thought of my child, my life, how hard this is I wouldn’t make it. But I distract myself by letting my body’s wants take over I didn’t do that before I tried to contain them, to hold my thoughts in keep them to myself, my dreams to myself, the dirty, spicy, Nsfw to myself and not let them make me want. But sometimes that’s what gets you through those scenarios you have in your head get you through the longest days. But also can hurt because you don’t have them they’re just thoughts you’ll never get to ask for or say allowed they only live in your head. And the feeling only lives within your body. That breaks you too. And days like today aren’t the easiest in a week where it’s a new year and I already wish I didn’t have to start it in the same spot and feel as if the smallest asks of people from someone who doesn’t usually ask for anything I don’t request I don’t suggest when I do it’s the smallest literally least time consuming things like communication or remembering at least sometimes that’s I still exist and even that …. Doesn’t happen and it’s like I’m not good enough for that I guess either and I’m sick of asking I’m tired of being the one to try and reach out when I get silence, to check in. And today’s hard it’s not a happy post or one on theme but it’s real. And it’s written in tears and a heavy heart that I wish had words to explain the depth of how much it hurts. I do have a lot I think I want to finally get out a lot I didn’t tell the world, truths I didn’t speak because of protecting others, things I don’t get to say or when I do it feels like no one listens. And my heart today wants to so I’m going to be posting a podcast style memo a voice one as soon. As I compose myself enough and calm enough to do that to just get it out all of it. My story, why I’m here my heart and shit that’s stupid and doesn’t make sense and I wish I could make those emotions or feelings stop but I can’t and I hate that too. So that’s loading….check back later.

This is just a reminder that nothings meant to be easy, if you’re struggling you’re struggling even if someone else thinks you’re not, even if no one’s there to see how hard you’re actually fighting, even if you’re alone or feel alone, if you’re hurting. It’s VALID. And the hard days are just part of it it’s okay to not be okay 🖤 especially if you’re also going through other things like the fight I was already fighting or loss, Grief etc: on top of this you’re going to have bad days, set backs all of it. That’s what most forget is you’re not only fighting to survive 1 fight but the ones you were already trying to survive before this one you have to work twice as hard to stay as others do. Because more pain, loss, stress, lack of sleep all of that feeds trauma it feeds other things you’re fighting and it’s triggering all of those fights at one time. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to want to give up some days.

It’s okay if you’re so upset so mad some days you wish you could yell at the sky to take you back to make it stop. It’s okay if you wish you had someone to calm and just talk to about nothing or that you had people who checked in on or talked to you or to distract you sometimes. It’s okay if you are sitting there typing a blog post and there’s tears dropping onto your phone screen right now because you’re having that I want this to stop and i want to go back moment. It’s okay if all you want right now is the place you felt safe or that kind of hug and in the moment you want to give up. That’s all okay too 🖤 because you aren’t alone that’s what I’m doing right now.

I feel like right now it’s important for others struggling to know that. It’s not easy, it’s normal it’s okay to cry and feel like you can’t breathe, and not want it to be like this, wish the simple things could just be simple and not fucked up. To hate everything that this is what fighting looks like. The emotions the pain, all of it means you care, more than most, it means somethings matter to you. Actually matter, it means you have a heart, and you’re human and sometimes it means you’re also just a girl who’s fighting things no one was meant to hold on their own.

Sometimes it means too you’re here writing, making a blog, marking each detail in case your fight isn’t a fight or you get out of survival mode you can see all of it, or help others fighting, it’s writing what’s real not fake positivity or social media fake bullshit. Unlike most girls you aren’t afraid to be real. Of reality. Of a fight. And you’re writing because the weight of empty messages, empty notifications, no recent calls becomes too much after awhile and you need someone to talk to someplace to lay your thoughts to feel less lonely. This is my distraction so I can ignore the rest. Trying to use this to be that me again, the old me, the way I handled things before when it hurt to much I need her right now I need that distraction I need all the things she did back then to cover everything else up and mask it to cope with it since I can’t make it stop. The problem though is honest….the old me was running from the same things the same heart the same things she was trying to ignore but they were always there and now it’s still the same things the same heart so what do you do then? That’s what I can’t figure out right now what do I do then…