Moonlit Aurora

Rope does something to me

Forces my body to admit what my mouth keeps trying to be respectful about.  A need, want, desire and surrender I’ve been too scared to ask for. I crave surrender. I crave being handled with intention. The way your body reacts when they would reach their arm across the car and slip their hand to your thigh gripping it, the way your body felt like fire you had to breathe to control yourself every time, and you crave that feeling again too.  It’s been awhile. It feels like that.   I crave the calm that comes from knowing someone else has the control, and they’re using it with respect, out of love.🌶️

For me, this isn’t just restraint, or control. It’s devotion. When it’s done right, it’s someone saying, without saying it, I’m here. I’m paying attention. I’m going to hold you exactly the way you asked to be held and proving it.  A kind of trust that makes my nervous system finally relax. 

I’ve done this plenty in my past but only have I experienced it once if you’d consider it that.  Rope was used at least one night, in a trusting dynamic where it felt safe, the safest I’ve ever felt. Boundaries that weren’t questioned. And because it was with someone I loved, it didn’t feel like being used. It felt like being cherished in a way that made my whole nervous system soften. 

I think about that one time more than I should. 

For me this is a kind of relief that cannot be replicated in other ways. It’s not weakness. It’s not “less than.” It’s a choice to put the weight down. Letting someone I trust hold the edges of me. Letting my brain finally stop scanning for danger, because the dynamic itself is safe, it’s built on love.  There’s something special about only being allowed to feel what you’re given permission to feel. About having your freedom reduced down to the simplest, hottest truth to breathe, listen, and surrender.  When your mind goes quiet and your body feels only sensation and trust. Control, when it’s earned feels like tenderness. And I miss it.  I wish it wasn’t only that one time I think about more than I need to especially as of lately. 

I had ropes, toys, clothing, sprays, restraints most in storage except the ropes. And then life happened. I had to leave, had to get rid of my stuff, and I got rid of them too. Survival makes you toss pieces of yourself and lose belongings into the dark because you can’t carry everything. But I wish I could afford to buy new rope now, not even because I’m trying to be reckless, but because I miss having that door unlocked. I miss knowing that part of me has a place in the real world, not just in my thoughts.

Because lately… I don’t just miss that. I crave it.

The craving for your body to feel that, you’re not running the show right now. I crave the intimacy of being guided by someone who knows what they’re doing and treats my surrender like it’s valuable. I crave the kind of dominance that isn’t loud, it’s steady, the kind that makes you feel safe. For empaths, those hurting, trauma this isn’t simply about desire it’s where my brain gets to stop holding everything up like a collapsing ceiling. My body gets to be the one speaking. I want to be held. I want to surrender. I want trust with only what I’m permitted to feel. I want to be put in my place in the most loving way and feel claimed without being owned. I want it so bad but I’m not allowed to ask for it, so instead I let it destroy my head with the craving I can’t indulge in, have, and I can’t ask for, I can’t even say that I want or wish for.   The kind of moments that makes me stop pretending I’m fine.  The kind of moment I’ve learned from experience only real love, respect, care can bring where it’s the only moment you have sometimes that says “you’re not the one in control here”  and you don’t have to be. 

And I want it so badly it hurts. It hurts the way I crave it, the dreams I’ve had about it, the way thinking and writing about it makes my body react, the way it hurts in my heart when I crave it, the emotions to the point of tears of frustration and pain craving it specifically in one way hurts to think about because I can’t ask, and thinking about it makes me feel guilty too that I crave it. 🌶️

I Want To Be Restrained, Not Rescued, To feel surrender for a moment and not have to be strong is one of the most powerful gifts one could give.