(Cover photos random I don’t have anything to put for it & it’s one that lives in my head rent free I guess)
Removing myself from the internet, phone, everything for awhile. I made this to try and maybe somehow build something to be able to survive with basic things especially with a week plus of snow and artic temps …to have what I lost back or maybe hope someday I’ll be able to fight long enough to get out of the mess I ended up with. But these last few days I lost the want to even write anymore I lost my own words, I feel like i should believe my words don’t even matter…or I don’t matter and honestly questioning my worth to right now. So idk when I’ll post again or if I ever will here or any thing really not social not here probably not for a while. Because maybe that’s right words coming from me don’t matter. My fight is low right now and my hope of getting out of this took a hit too. But here’s a last thought unless I decide to write again one day. I loved writing wording my thoughts, trying to explain the best I could what I think and feel but right now i don’t know if any words I speak ever matter and for the first time in my life I don’t even want to write anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to use words at all. Too afraid to say the wrong things and scared to even write. It’s one of the deepest things I’ve felt it’s pretty bad right now and also I’m really cold, really tired and this feeling the loss of fight from it isn’t mixing well with that. I don’t want to write anymore it was my favorite thing and I don’t want to anymore. I want laundry what clean feels like when it’s been 3 months I want hot hands I’m out of at the worst time if you live in the Midwest, and a bed, and my life back, and people that are so cold to not feel that way. I want food specifically tacos but I’ve thought about them for months and sleep and I don’t want to be someone who has to carry all this anymore or be blamed for everything, the one no one cared enough about to protect or defend or stay. I don’t want to be the one who had to fight these fights anymore. I don’t want to be someone who’s always left with all this love or care or my heart like this carrying it with nowhere to put it while they forget I exist who’s had to watch what she loves love others before who broke everytime and I don’t want to have to go through that again. I don’t want to feel anything anymore when emotions or specifically mine maybe aren’t safe. Right now I don’t want to feel anything when it feels like everything I had still kind of held together is crumbling in on top of me. It’s almost been a year of fighting to survive everyday fighting to stay safe everyday, being alone, missing everything, suffering, and before that I was already fighting a fight and then I also had to fight this too. I don’t want to fight anymore it’s been the hardest longest worst year of my life and there’s no soon chances of relief and i don’t think I can especially since yesterday keep holding myself up I barely get through the cold, the snow, the only thing I’ve had access to given out being the shrimp ramen I’m deathly allergic to, and a week of the coldest temps of the season and snow I don’t want to have to suffer more through that on top of this oh the part where I have a backpack i use all I have to carry things and Monday the bottom of it ripped at a seam so I have to carry most things because i don’t really have that now either…And then the part where I don’t want to write anymore either It probably never mattered when I did anyway ….all I feel like is that I’m just replaceable and I’ve had to experience that I was a few times before to know i probably am. Anytime everytime I’ve ever tried to explain myself Ive been blamed for being a problem and I don’t want to use my voice or write anymore or talk to anyone at all if it’s always wrong.
A reminder from a heart that is genuinely broken today.
Not from a place of calm.
From a place that’s re broken right now a fresh crack that feels like it’s bleeding all over again.
I’m writing this with tears I didn’t ask for, from a heart that feels bruised all the way through, mental health that already broken is today , yesterday, from words that stick even more cracked, from a spirit that’s tired of surviving, one who fought for everything that mattered but no one fought for her not even enough to keep her around at all, not enough to listen to be a safe space for her hurt not for an apology not for anything.
Words don’t always leave once you’ve read them
Some of them stay.
They echo, they loop like a over powering soundtrack in someone’s head and the mind won’t stop chewing on pain.
be careful with what you say to people, because you don’t get to choose which sentence becomes the one that haunts them.
A single phrase can turn into a knife that keeps cutting long after the conversation ends.
Words like “worth it.”
Like “regret.”
Like talking about someone as if they were just something to keep “around”… like their presence was optional, like they’re not worth care, or love or time, like their heart doesn’t matter if it breaks.
Do you know what that does to someone who was already struggling? Someone already fighting the thought that they don’t matter? Someone already trying to convince themselves, minute by minute, that staying is still worth it?
It takes a fragile mind and makes it feel disposable.
It takes a hurting heart and teaches it that it’s worth is never going to be and was never enough. It takes the little bit of fight someone has left and burns it down to ash. And what’s cruel is you might never see it. You might never witness the moment your words replay and replay and replay, like a door that won’t stop slamming in someone’s chest, while their hands are shaking, the tears are falling, and breathing feels like walls are crashing around them.
But it happens and since yesterday it’s been exactly what’s happening to me.
So even if someone doesn’t matter to you, even if you don’t care about someone, even if you don’t love someone, then at least don’t leave someone with a sentence that makes them feel like their existence their time, their heart, their survival, their love was a mistake. Their voice doesn’t matter, making someone feel everything is always their fault, that being honest with someone means getting hurt, teaching someone, creating a fear that opening up about their emotions, using their words, having a voice, reaching out isn’t safe.
Don’t hand them a phrase they’ll never stop replaying.
Because you don’t always realize when you’re speaking to someone who is hanging on by a thread.
And sometime
people don’t break from the loss.
They break from the way it was said.
Moonlit Aurora 