Moonlit Aurora

All I try to explain to people is I needed them and when they realized they should have been there more they still wernt and that’s the pain that hurts humans most the betrayal trauma is the most damaging to someone and it’s permanent damage. It’s the worst thing you can do to people. I needed people and watched people not care …tell me I shouldn’t care that my feelings don’t matter or are too much but gave attention to random people not just platonic attention, welcomed that intimate conversation and words, time spent together while telling another something different to thier face someone telling someone they loved them while sleeping next to them but was accepting affection from others while when you gave affection or said your own feelings they wernt interested in that from anyone…watched people I needed for valid legitimate reasons things they carried responsibility in too …. Not be able to be there for me when I was literally dying I was drowning but if another said they missed them they would jump at the first sight of that text and make plans to fix that….if invited over they would go….if messaged they would reply….if someone had a bad day they would be responsive and care and talk about it but not for me….and the part of that which kills parts of you inside that permanently damages someone isn’t the action it’s not what they did it’s having to live it to sit there and watch it happen to know they know you’re breaking they know you needed them and you had to watch with your own eyes and feel how it felt to watch them be there for others when they saw with theirs you needed them more at times…and they don’t care ……if you don’t or didn’t make it they wouldn’t care. That the women who stood by people through everything and had to fight fights that were not her own alone who was the last to get time or attention, who didn’t get the trips, the getaways the special very planned private weekends she got nothing and had to watch that while she was already breaking. The one who loved someone being the one who got the least of them isn’t allowed to talk about her emotions show love have care or feelings but strangers….they can show affection, make moves, dates, priority…..and people think that there was nothing wrong nothing harmful nothing that “mattered” about doing that to people …… no it breaks people if I already can’t have anything. Again because I’ve done that I know where my heart is if that wasn’t the case in some other life that alone happening to me would be when I never let anyone in again that’s what hurts and you know what I forgave people for it and no one else would….i forgave I loved I stayed…..I stayed silent ….ahen no other women would have and don’t….and I’ve never gotten an apology or acknowledgement of the hurt it caused from anyone. Not once. It’s the way you needed people and they could have been there but made choices not to not the actual actions or others involved. It’s that it happened in your face it wasn’t hidden it wasn’t protected from you they didn’t care about protecting you or your heart but cared about protecting other people…from knowing, from having to say they had someone they loved and didn’t want to hurt they didn’t do that….even if it’s a mother who’s grieving the loss of a child they didn’t care to protect your heart then either that’s the part that destroys you. That you forgive because you actually care about someone and don’t want to lose them but you speak up and only get ultimatums…..of all people it’s you who gets broken the one people promised to protect nomatter what….