Preface: everyone who knows me knows all of this happened already the exact details all of it but those who don’t know me well don’t and I’ll be mia awhile or ever.
Removing myself from the internet, phone, everything for awhile. I made this to try and maybe somehow build something to be able to survive with basic things especially with a week plus of snow and artic temps …to have what I lost back or maybe hope someday I’ll be able to fight long enough to get out of the mess I ended up with. But these last few days I lost the want to even write anymore I lost my own words, I feel like i should believe my words don’t even matter…or I don’t matter and honestly questioning my worth to right now. So idk when I’ll post again or if I ever will here or any thing really not social not here probably not for a while. Because maybe that’s right words coming from me don’t matter. My fight is low right now and my hope of getting out of this took a hit too. But here’s a last thought unless I decide to write again one day. I loved writing wording my thoughts, trying to explain the best I could what I think and feel but right now i don’t know if any words I speak ever matter and for the first time in my life I don’t even want to write anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to use words at all. Too afraid to say the wrong things and scared to even write. It’s one of the deepest things I’ve felt it’s pretty bad right now and also I’m really cold, really tired and this feeling the loss of fight from it isn’t mixing well with that. I don’t want to write anymore it was my favorite thing and I don’t want to anymore. I want laundry what clean feels like when it’s been 3 months I want hot hands I’m out of at the worst time if you live in the Midwest, and a bed, and my life back, and people that are so cold to not feel that way. I want food specifically tacos but I’ve thought about them for months and sleep and I don’t want to be someone who has to carry all this anymore or be blamed for everything, the one no one cared enough about to protect or defend or stay. I don’t want to be the one who had to fight these fights anymore. I don’t want to be someone who’s always left with all this love or care or my heart like this carrying it with nowhere to put it while they forget I exist who’s had to watch what she loves love others before who broke everytime and I don’t want to have to go through that again. I don’t want to feel anything anymore when emotions or specifically mine maybe aren’t safe. Right now I don’t want to feel anything when it feels like everything I had still kind of held together is crumbling in on top of me. It’s almost been a year of fighting to survive everyday fighting to stay safe everyday, being alone, missing everything, suffering, and before that I was already fighting a fight and then I also had to fight this too. I don’t want to fight anymore it’s been the hardest longest worst year of my life and there’s no soon chances of relief and i don’t think I can especially since yesterday keep holding myself up I barely get through the cold, the snow, the only thing I’ve had access to given out being the shrimp ramen I’m deathly allergic to, and a week of the coldest temps of the season and snow I don’t want to have to suffer more through that on top of this oh the part where I have a backpack i use all I have to carry things and Monday the bottom of it ripped at a seam so I have to carry most things because i don’t really have that now either…And then the part where I don’t want to write anymore either It probably never mattered when I did anyway ….all I feel like is that I’m just replaceable and I’ve had to experience that I was a few times before to know i probably am. Anytime everytime I’ve ever tried to explain myself Ive been blamed for being a problem and I don’t want to use my voice or write anymore or talk to anyone at all if it’s always wrong. But somehow people will always choose to keep the most random people around to fight for those with less worth, that don’t know them, that have nothing in common with them, the people they’ve gone through nothing with, share nothing with, have nothing special with or connecting them haven’t bonded over anything, there’s nothing special there but they’ll fight for them keep them around, protect their feelings, keep them on socials, choose to like and comment each time they post a new photo following them every move they make for a new update, while they ignored you they were thinking of others other things other people….and nothing will make you feel like you your words your time all the things done to you don’t matter more….The ones who needed someone’s presence the most was the one who had to watch people give it to everyone else….and then feel like they deserved to fight through it alone because they watched others get everything they’d asked for like it was supposed to show you that you never were good enough to matter. Most would drop things for those they care about they’d lose people if it mattered enough if it hurt someone it wouldn’t ever be in question but the thing is I didn’t matter that much….and that’s what hurts the most. Because there was a time people wernt cold you didn’t have to beg for support when you were fighting alone….when you were hurt…a time they had a heart….and promised to not break yours to not do what they did in your face again last time…and then when you were drowning they did and they went cold got sucked into the wrong type of crowd and that’s when they changed they’ve never apologized never acknowledged how much it hurt you and they became something other than themselves something colder ….than I’ve seen in a long time and I’ll understand it and why I couldn’t deserve that care love or protection too….i hate this that unknown that why the missing the person someone is…that’s the worst thing to live everyday with. Because you know when your absence won’t bother someone it won’t affect them they won’t miss you….bevsuse they never did you’re replaceable and no I cannot even pretend to be okay like last time I felt this. Bevsuse I’m not I haven’t been I’ve fought like hell to fix anything at all and never have to go through that again like before ever because I knew I couldn’t survive that again but….im replaceable that’s always been the case…and what’s crazy is when I’ve been the one just trying to salvage a friendship with someone….before they were the one refusing that bevsuse friendhsuo wasn’t enough and now I don’t even know if any of those words were true and that’s where it fucks you up so bad. Ive cried more than anytime in my life this last year but the past 2 days….i dont think theres been more than a single minute I’ve stopped….and it’s never hurt me this much. Then you realize in 16 years….they’ve never kept a single promise not in a letter they wrote not here not when I went through one of the worst human experiences of my life not this past year not when I moved in….not when they said they quit doing what hurt me…not when they said they were making time not once and all I needed was one…..but I’m still not as good as anyone else to be worth enough to fight for to keep around …. So no i probably won’t ever write again…i probably won’t talk to anyone for a long time, i probably won’t check my phone again after this for awhile for a long time or I’ll bother to not try and keep my service on while out here…I’ve never meant it more either so no i probably won’t be here. And if it’s not understandable how bad it is how not okay i am if you’ve never been in a bed you shared with the man you love while laying on his chest at night watching him while he thought you were sleeping text another person about staying the night next time when you needed him the most more than anyone did at the time counted on him, counted on his safe space his protection his support …and those glimpses of who he was before he promised he wasn’t that he’s never going to be again started returning and even then you’d stay even today you’d stay…you forgave you believed in him still because love was enough but I wasn’t enough and I’m not …so if you didn’t get how serious my absence from life for idk how long or forever is maybe now you do…And that no I’m not going to be okay this time. & that’s only 1% of the story…I think it explains why I can’t thug this one out enough though. Maybe before but I’m not a kid anymore horrible shit happened humans were lost, death occured, real hurt, real Hearst, adults hearts, and I can’t fight through trying to survive each day forever the way I had to before again. I barely got through it before the only ways that even slightly touched to help me cope almost took me out too, and without those same things to mask it…at a time I’m suffering already I can’t do it again. I’m not a kid anymore and adults they’re supposed to after all this time they’re supposed to work their shit out together to fix, to fight and I’m not worth that…it’s different when it’s literally the only human on this earth you’ve ever trusted ….the only person you’ve ever offered any kind of forgiveness to EVER…the only time you’ve ever felt safe, the only person you ever defended, protected, stood up for….went toe to toe with people for but they never did for you they protected themselves …..the only one other than your kid you’d ever take a bullet for. And that is what loving a someone who has avoidant attachment is like….just in a nutshell
A reminder from a heart that is genuinely broken today.
Not from a place of calm.
From a place that’s re broken right now a fresh crack that feels like it’s bleeding all over again.
I’m writing this with tears I didn’t ask for, from a heart that feels bruised all the way through, mental health that already broken is today , yesterday, from words that stick even more cracked, from a spirit that’s tired of surviving, one who fought for everything that mattered but no one fought for her not even enough to keep her around at all, not enough to listen to be a safe space for her hurt not for an apology not for anything.
Words don’t always leave once you’ve read them
Some of them stay.
They echo, they loop like a over powering soundtrack in someone’s head and the mind won’t stop chewing on pain.
be careful with what you say to people, because you don’t get to choose which sentence becomes the one that haunts them.
A single phrase can turn into a knife that keeps cutting long after the conversation ends.
Words like “worth it.”
Like “regret.”
Like talking about someone as if they were just something to keep “around”… like their presence was optional, like they’re not worth care, or love or time, like their heart doesn’t matter if it breaks.
Do you know what that does to someone who was already struggling? Someone already fighting the thought that they don’t matter? Someone already trying to convince themselves, minute by minute, that staying is still worth it?
It takes a fragile mind and makes it feel disposable.
It takes a hurting heart and teaches it that it’s worth is never going to be and was never enough. It takes the little bit of fight someone has left and burns it down to ash. And what’s cruel is you might never see it. You might never witness the moment your words replay and replay and replay, like a door that won’t stop slamming in someone’s chest, while their hands are shaking, the tears are falling, and breathing feels like walls are crashing around them.
But it happens and since yesterday it’s been exactly what’s happening to me.
So even if someone doesn’t matter to you, even if you don’t care about someone, even if you don’t love someone, then at least don’t leave someone with a sentence that makes them feel like their existence their time, their heart, their survival, their love was a mistake. Their voice doesn’t matter, making someone feel everything is always their fault, that being honest with someone means getting hurt, teaching someone, creating a fear that opening up about their emotions, using their words, having a voice, reaching out isn’t safe.
Don’t hand them a phrase they’ll never stop replaying.
Because you don’t always realize when you’re speaking to someone who is hanging on by a thread.
And sometime
people don’t break from the loss.
They break from the way it was said.
Moonlit Aurora 